Recovery isn't linear, the journey isn't one way and the road isn't always smooth.
These are phrases I often use when talking about mental health. I talk about the fear of slipping backwards and how that never leaves you, and more specifically with perinatal mental health, the fear of what another pregnancy and postnatal period looks like. This is my story so far.
I have a long history of depression and anxiety however this wasn't raised during my first pregnancy, not by me or by any medical professional. I struggled after my daughter was born and tried to seek help but the phrase "baby blues" was bounced around and support never came. I assumed the feelings I was experiencing were normal and simply part of the process of becoming a mother as this is what I was told, I didn't recognise this to be post-natal depression until years later.
Shortly after my second child was born, we entered the first lockdown of 2020 and, for me, that's when everything fell apart. I reached out for help after several weeks of increasing overwhelm, intrusive thoughts, internal rage, impulsive actions and dissociation. Unfortunately I was taken off the SSRI I had been taking for a number of years to try a different medication and in the unmedicated in-between period everything collapsed. The next couple of years were rough however the treatment and support I received from the special perinatal mental health team was excellent and really helped to get me back on my feet.
I fell pregnant with my third child the year after my breakdown. As scary as that was, wondering if I was going to be okay, if I would cope with the fluctuating hormones and the increased demand of having a 5-year-old, a 2-year-old and a newborn baby, with careful medication management and the 1:1 support of my care coordinator and wider team, I had a successful pregnancy and continued to feel safe through the postnatal period too.
By 2023 I was feeling much better and began to titrate off my medication. I was soon discharged from specialist perinatal care despite being pregnant with my 4th child. On leaving SPN care, my psychiatrist discussed with me an opportunity to get involved with the lived experience team and use my experience to help shape the service, an opportunity I jumped on without hesitation.
I met Fiona when my 4th child was only a few weeks old and I knew from that first meeting that this was something that was going to be beneficial for my own wellbeing as well as being something useful and positive for making change. I never could have imagined just how much the work we do as a forum, and the validation and support of the team, would help me to navigate my feelings and fears and become part of my healing journey.
Unfortunately, earlier this year I had a setback that hit me out of nowhere, resulting in a period of mental health crisis care. I have a new diagnosis of EUPD and will begin targeted therapy in the coming weeks. The last few months were really hard. On top of everything I was going through at the time and all of the feelings I had about myself and my ability as a mother, I felt like a failure and a fraud having spent years talking about my recovery only to be right back in the trenches. I am back on the medication that got me through last time around and am feeling much better again. The clarity I have now over those feelings is what motivated me to write this to you.
I am not a failure and I am not a fraud. I am not a bad person or a bad mother. I am strong, I am able and I am worthy. My illness happened to me, not because of me, and it is not a reflection of who I am. A slip backwards does not mean that you cannot move forwards and this time around I knew what to look out for and where to turn. I was able to advocate for myself and make sure I was heard. I was able to push for targeted treatment to prevent this from happening again. I was able to take what I'd been through to shape the future for myself and I couldn't have done this without the work that we've been doing within Helix. I don't know for certain that this won't happen again in another 6 years’ time, but I know that I will be okay if it does, and so will you.
If you are reading this having experienced post-natal depression, are thinking about having another child after a period of being unwell, or you know someone who is in this situation, it's going to be okay. The support is out there and you will get through this. The next chapter is ahead of you and we will be here with a cuppa, a biscuit and a listening ear if you would like to join us.
Jen xo
By Helix Expert by Experience Jen