My Perinatal journey began in Summer 2020, when we decided to start trying for a baby.
Due to my bipolar diagnosis many years before I always believed my dreams of having children may be unattainable. I had a preconception counselling appointment which armed me with the knowledge of how I would be best supported if I was to become pregnant. Suddenly I started believing that my dreams of having a family could become a reality.
Unfortunately, my first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage which really made me start questioning whether it was meant to be, but my perinatal psychiatrist reassured me that she knew she would be speaking to me again and to not give up hope. Thankfully, I became pregnant again and was supported throughout by the perinatal team. They helped me to make decisions on treatment plans if I were to become ill again. Looking back, I think I felt extremely anxious during my pregnancy but didn’t want to seek the correct support as I was starting to doubt if I could be a good enough Mum.
On November 8th 2021 my bigger than expected (9lb 4oz) bundle of joy Albie arrived. After quite a long labour and difficult end to my birth experience I was in complete shock. I was delighted he was here safe but equally fearful. My husband was fantastic throughout the first few weeks ensuring I got enough sleep and recovering, while creating a fantastic bond with our son. As time went on, I created an impression to the outside world that I was managing so well and achieving so much, but inside I was feeling detached and struggling to truly bond with my baby.
Nearing Albie’s 1st birthday I started to feel completely burnt out and having both intrusive and delusional thoughts. It was if I had managed to keep up an act and now walls were coming down revealing how much I had been suffering. The week after his birthday I experienced an extremely depressive episode and could no longer function. Thanks to the support of my family who ensured Albie was extremely well looked, I was able to work on clearing the fog that I was feeling. I will never forget my amazing psychiatrist trying to make me remove any guilt I had by being ill, by saying ‘You didn’t choose this to happen to you’.
Slowly over the next year and after also experiencing a manic episode I accepted the correct medication that I needed to take and have managed to feel well since then. The relationship between me and Albie now is incredible and I never take one moment together for granted. We are truly able to enjoy life together and I absolutely love being his Mum. Finally, being part of the perinatal forum has allowed me to turn an awful life experience into a positive one and I am really enjoying being part of it.
By Helix Expert by Experience Becky